The Blame That Keeps Us Stuck

We think we’ve moved on.

We’ve said the right words. Agreed to let it go. Maybe even forgiven them. But underneath it all, something’s still there. That quiet hum of resentment. A subtle emotional recoil. The feeling we’re owed something that was never repaid.

That’s blame. And it lingers.

Blame doesn’t always look like rage. It often looks like politeness laced with distance. Like tension in the body. Or subtle undermining. We may act as if all is well, but inside we haven’t let go. And the relationship knows it.

Take Lena and Jason. Years after his affair, Lena stayed. She said she forgave him. They went to therapy. But in every disagreement, the past crept back in. A small mistake would become evidence of his unreliability. She wasn’t lying when she said she’d forgiven him. She just didn’t realise that blame had nested in her nervous system.

And until it’s seen, it steers everything.

Blame feeds on the belief that someone else is responsible for how we feel now. It thrives on replaying what they did, how they should have known better, what it cost us. But the longer we circle that loop, the more we stay stuck in the very pain we wish to be free of.

So what’s the alternative?

It’s not to excuse harm or pretend we’re unaffected. It’s to tell the truth, not just about what happened, but about how we’ve held onto it. To notice the pain that blame is protecting. The grief underneath. The loss of innocence. The fear it might happen again.

When we begin to feel that instead, something changes.

Blame keeps us fused with the past. But presence creates space. It lets us see the part of us still aching for repair and offer it from within. Because sometimes the apology we’re waiting for is actually permission. Permission to stop waiting.

To feel what we didn’t feel then. To tend to what still hurts. And to stop using someone else’s mistake as the ceiling on our own capacity to heal.

That’s when blame loosens. That’s when we begin again.

Reflection Questions 

·      Is there someone you’ve said you forgave but still carry pain around? 

·      What is blame protecting in you? What does it let you avoid feeling?  

·      What would it mean to stop waiting for repair from the outside?

If this resonates and you're ready to work with what’s still lingering, not just in thought, but in the body visit www.katinapallaras.com for an online session or to order my book Awaken the Heart.