Control You Didn’t See Coming

Sometimes it’s not the shouting, threats, or domination that hold the most power.

It’s the quieter tactics, the ones that smile, nod, and say “I’m fine,” that keep relationships tightly bound without a visible rope.

Take Anna and Frank. For years, Anna relied on Frank both emotionally and financially. When she finally took a step toward independence, accepting a job and enjoying time with colleagues, Frank didn’t forbid her outright. But he objected, sulked and tried to make her feel guilty.

Slowly, his mood worsened. He drank more. He withdrew. And Anna, overwhelmed with guilt, gave up the job to “make things easier.” She didn’t realise she wasn’t just accommodating, she was being controlled.

Control doesn’t always come wrapped in dominance. Sometimes it disguises itself as helplessness, fragility or even approval. A partner may seem supportive while quietly steering things their way. Or they may demand nothing, but sulk, sabotage or shut down when they don’t get their unspoken wish.

Other tactics are more performative: playing the “yes-dear” husband or the ever-agreeable wife.

These partners go along with everything but don’t follow through. They nod, smile, and keep the peace… while doing exactly what they want behind closed doors.

What looks like harmony is often passive resistance.

And then there’s chaos: shouting, distraction, crisis after crisis. Some partners stir the pot so dramatically that the actual issues get buried.

Their partner gives in, not out of agreement, but sheer exhaustion. Control wins not through force, but through fatigue.

We often imagine control as something obvious…anger, domination or strict rules. But covert control plays a different game. It manipulates emotions. It avoids confrontation while still holding the reins. And most dangerously, it convinces the other person they’re the problem.

If you feel responsible for someone else’s unhappiness… If you keep second-guessing yourself to avoid setting them off… If things seem calm only when you comply… It’s worth pausing.

Control doesn’t always raise its voice. Sometimes, it just waits quietly for you to give in.

REFLECTIONS:

·      Have you ever changed your behaviour to avoid someone else’s mood or reactions?

·      Do you find yourself feeling guilty for making independent decisions?

·      Is there a pattern of calm only when you agree or comply?

·      Does your partner say “yes” but rarely follow through?

·      Are emotional dramas used to divert attention from deeper issues?

If this resonates with you or you’d like to explore further, visit www.katinapallaras.com for online sessions or to order my book Awaken the Heart