The Blame Distraction

In the first two articles, we looked at how blame can become our default way of coping, offering short-term relief while masking deeper pain.

Yet, what happens when that pattern becomes automatic? In this piece, we look more closely at how blame doesn’t just distort our view of others, it becomes a distraction from our own vulnerability. And in that distraction, we lose sight of what actually needs care.

Blame rarely tells us the full story.

It rushes in to explain why we’re hurt… but often points in the wrong direction. And once it finds a target, it doesn’t let go. It keeps us locked in the loop, replaying the same scenes, reinforcing the same verdict. This is the danger of unexamined blame. Instead of tuning into what we feel, we fixate on who’s to blame.

Instead of acknowledging what’s painful, we obsess over what should have been done differently. We think we’re gaining clarity but we’re often just avoiding discomfort.

Consider this: Blame is seductive because it gives us something to do with our pain. But that “something” might actually be a diversion.

Take Julia and Chris. After a string of unresolved arguments, Julia found herself convinced Chris wasn’t emotionally mature. “He doesn’t listen. He’s defensive. He doesn’t validate my feelings.”

Her frustration felt justified. But in sessions, what emerged was that Julia struggled to stay with her own grief. Naming Chris as the problem gave her temporary relief from the deeper vulnerability of feeling unloved, unseen, and alone.

Chris, on the other hand, had his own version.

He blamed Julia for being overly critical.

But underneath was a fear of not being good enough, a story he had carried since childhood.

Both were blaming to protect something tender. When we look beneath blame, we find sadness, fear, disappointment, and unmet needs. And in relationships, these feelings need room, not just reactions. So the next time blame rises, pause.Ask yourself: What’s underneath this urge to accuse?

What am I protecting? What would I have to feel if I stopped pointing the finger? This isn’t about excusing harmful behavior. It’s about returning to what’s real and reclaiming your ability to respond rather than react.

Questions to consider?  

What do you tend to blame your partner or others for most often?  

What emotion might be hidden underneath the blame?  

Can you stay with the discomfort long enough to hear what it’s really asking for?  

If this resonates with you…  You don’t need to figure it all out alone. Sometimes just speaking what’s underthe surface brings more relief than blame ever could.  

To explore this further in a one-on-one session, get in touch.

Visit www.katinapallaras.com for online sessions and for my book Awaken the Heart.